"Better to write for self and no audience, than to write for an audience and have no self"...or something like that.

It is pathetic. But all I have ever dreamt of is to find real love. I am ashamed to even admit it. That's not something you do, especially not I. But after so many years of being forced to stay alone, that's all you can wish for.

Perhaps that's why they disgust me so much. Maybe "disgust" is not the best word to describe what I feel, cause I do want what's best for her. And if this makes her happy then I am, or atleast should be, happy as well. But I can't seem to get over the fact that love is not simple. It's not supposed to be. But that's exactly what their love is and that's not fair.

Loose.

It's not like I leave his place without my panties on.

Left behind

As long as she was alone I could pretend I was normal. Cause I was like her. But now it is over. The last chapter has been written leaving me locked in a story, whilst she has been set free.

Unmendable

I am broken and you can’t fix me. But that’s all right. I like being broken. I live for the pain.

190109

One day I will honour him, and when that day comes I'll be proud to be his granddaughter.

...

Finally (or should I say sadly), I am growing up. And for the first time I like the thought of being, or at least starting to be, my own person even though I am far away from being independent, without the need of anyone. I will miss the chained and restrained freedom which I trade for a more uncertain one. But nevertheless, i will be free.

Who am I according to you?

She stood in the crowd like a statue of wax. For seconds she didn't breathe, as if she wanted to distinguish life from death. To end her breathing in a world of vivid, vibrant and yet so empty shells. The deadly and flirtatious thought enticed her in a way she hadn't expected. Normally she is the one to observe the emptiness of the hollow creatures surrounding her, but for once, would they notice her if she, for their sake, put the alluring thought into effect? If she went from being warm to cold, from alive to dead? She thought about it for no more than a flashing moment before realizing it isn't worth it. Not even for the excitement that follows.

Längtan tillbaka.

Uppe dansar molnen lätt och flyktigt. Som om de var gjorda för att beundras. Avundas. Deras frihet får mig på fall för jag glömmer mig själv och minns mina barnsben på spring under den här bara himlen då livet inte kunde ha varit större än vad det var. Jag är inte vad jag borde vara och inte heller känner jag mig själv mer än någon annan. Jag ber om ursäkt för att jag har lurat er så, hade det varit medvetet, hade jag inte känt mig så långt borta hemifrån, vilket jag gör.

Life on the crime scene

Like a criminal did I do it. As if I was scared that someone would see me commiting a crime that can't be commited.

Army of Skanks.

They are not cool, especially not when they think they are. Becoming them is a disease I dread and I can't even begin to explain how much I despise them. Her other halves make me sick. Can I ever continue being a normal person without this nausea hanging over me like an evil cloud? They make her wicked and unrecognizable. Alone. They make it seem like she would never need anyone, anyone but them. But I see it all clearly. I see that they aren't "oh-so-pretty" and "life's-a-party", as they claim to be. They are no more than sad mortals with tragic lives who definitely aren't above anyone or above me. They are just like everybody else except for when they are being "cool", then they are simply pathetic!

<3

I will miss you, please take care of yourself.

My safe home.

He's leaving tomorrow and I won't see him in ages. I hate that. Not that he's leaving or that I won't see him in a while, but where he's going. I wish he didn't go to that dangerous place so that I can continue feeling safe and secure like a child. So I don't need to worry, who knows what can happen in a place like that? Because i do wanna see him again, of course I do!

Dirt.

I feel like being dirty and doing nasty things. Shameful and tacky. Things I can't undo.

What if the world stopped turning?

I hope there's nothing wrong with me, cause sometimes it feels like there is something odd and unusual about me. Something terrible, hidden and locked in my mind. What if I am a murderer?

A dream in a mosh-pit.

"You know, I'm a dreamer", she whispered in a low voice. "Perhaps, if I would have met you some other day, in another city, far away in a foreign country, being someone else, I could have kissed you without giving you less of me than you deserve. Perhaps if the circumstances were right I would never leave you, ever...". "Then don't, he interrupted her with the sweetest childishness in his innocent voice. "Don't. I will..." but his voice faded away slowly, leaving only sadness in his eyes. Her smile failed to comfort him, failed to display her love for him, failed to make an everlasting impression. "I am sorry", she said in a resigned voice, "but I was never a part of your world".

Tragic Beauty.

Tragic is the only way to describe her decadence. I don't want to help her, if she doesn't accept my help. Her pride is not superior to my dignity and no more will i give her my all without receieving anything in return. It is with a broken and non-repairable heart that I leave this tragic beauty at the gas-station, never to se her this degenerated again.

Bird in a cage

Well at first I agreed with her telling her she should get a second opinion because there's no way those doctors could have done their job properly, giving us that particular diagnosis, that special wednesday evening. Of course they had to be wrong, probably just put her in that certain category to rid her from their bed, which she kept occupied. But what if there was an ounce of truth in what they said? Perhaps that could explain her lack of emotions or how come she, at least seemingly, never cared for me anymore? Did she ever care or have I been playing tricks on my own mind? She's a free spirit, but I am after all just a bird in a cage.

Dirty - babe

Lååånga dagar, slutar nästan alltid med ett gott samvete.

Intro

So, it's been 2 weeks since i graduated or "passed my exams", which you would call it in britain, and still I haven't done anthing productive. Just been lying on my bed, wasting my breaths away, wondering how I could change the world. Suddenly, not so many days ago, it hit me. Why not start a blog and write about the meaningless things in my life (like everybody else does), and perhaps by doing so, I could make them more memorable. So people, here I am, ready to take on the world and leave it in a state you've never seen it in before! Welcome to my world.